


My biggest fear

by Gracebook99



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, but just in passing, slight homophobia mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-12-07 16:42:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18237533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gracebook99/pseuds/Gracebook99
Summary: Chan is laying on his bed motionless lost in a hazy dream stuck in his thought. He can’t stop thinking about the fact that this is the moment. The time. His biggest fear about to be realized, but he can’t help but be excited. Chan is about to confess, to pour his heart out, to put himself out there no takesies backsies. He thinks he might puke or pass out but he won’t chicken out. Not this time, he has been 0 for 4 so far but he has it all planned out this time. His plan is simple but hopefully effective, pull him aside and confess. Now he just has to do it. He makes his way to the rooftop almost in a dream state as he waits for everyone to get back from a radio schedule. he thinks back to where it all began, all the attempted confessions all the pain all the happiness and hopes it will all be worth it.





	My biggest fear

**Author's Note:**

> Chan has tried and failed to confess to Woojin for what feels like forever hopefully his plans will work out this time!!

Chan thinks back to his previous attempts at confessing, the first time had been pretty early on in their friendship, back when they were both trainees, the other boy had smiled his crooked smile that seemed to shine right through his soul, that according to stan twitter was as bright as the sun and he suddenly couldn't breathe. Chan knew he was into dudes but he didn't realize just how hard he would fall. He remembered repeating his name in the dark feeling butterflies as his mouth breathed out a silent confession. “Woojin” Chan was a little bit annoyed at the fact that his name could be just as pretty as his smile but he wasn’t against it. He spent the next few weeks trying to figure out if the other boy would be into him too all the while spending all of the allowances his parents sent him on snacks to share with the other. They stayed up late together, practicing and laughing, dreaming about the time when they would finally debut. Woojin would often sing before bed and Chan recalls a time when he would fall asleep every night to the sound of Woojin’s voice. 

It was a few weeks after the smile incident when they were getting late night ice cream at a convenience store after practice that Chan had decided that it was probably better to get it off his chest even if Woojin didn't like him back. He was prepared to bare his heart, even though he had been afraid of so many things, every variable ran through his head. What would happen if he was homophobic if he would tell people if he was going to hate me after and what it will do to our careers if it were to get out? However, he knows that he won’t be able to keep it to himself so he took a deep breath and was about to say the words he’d been struggling with for what felt like forever but Woojin started speaking before him. Chan’s heart broke a little bit as Woojin explained that another female trainee had asked him out, and he had accepted it. Jihyo was her name and she was a good friend of the both of them, looking back Chan admits that Woojin had good taste, she was kind and beautiful, a natural leader and a future member of Twice their sister group. It still hurt though but Woojin was so excited and Chan decided then and there that no matter what as long as he could see that smile he could put up with just being friends. He would rather be more than that but he would take what he can get. 

Jihyo and him dated for a few months and Chan watched from the sidelines as they flirted in front of him, how she would join their late night ice cream ventures. She would break curfew and sneak out and Woojin would leave too asking Chan to cover for him if anybody checked up on them. It was excruciating having to watch somebody you liked with another person but he put up with it because Woojin smiled more often, and talked about how beautiful she was. Chan couldn't hold it against him, if he were into girls he’s sure that he would have fallen for Jihyo as well. The happiness didn’t last very long however as Woojin started looking more and more sullen, Jihyo stopped hanging around them as much and suddenly Chan was left looking after a heartbroken Woojin. Jihyo was still polite around them during practices but instead of smiling when Woojin saw her he got a sad distance in his eyes and Chan would glare at Jihyo until she left. He liked Jihyo he really did but anybody who hurt his Woojin was the enemy. After the breakup, they went for even more ice cream trips and Woojin for a couple weeks didn’t sing before bed. Chan had started playing the guitar softly before bed and Woojin had an easier time falling asleep because of it. But it got better and Woojin got his mojo back, he started singing before bed again and Chan hoped that there would never be a time where Woojin would lose his voice again.

 

The second time that Chan was going to confess was right before an important performance in front of JYP himself, Woojin had been training for weeks trying to hit some crazy high notes and beating himself up about imperfections. His dedication and passion for singing were beyond attractive and Chan remembers the two of them staying up way past the other trainees trying to perfect everything for the performances. They were working in separate groups so Woojin would sing with Seungmin and Jeongin and he was with his 3racha brothers. He was producing and practicing 3racha music but they would work together and consult one another on everything. Chan never thought anybody could have the same work ethic that he had, but there was the most beautiful kind person he knew with him at 4 am singing the same line from a Maroon 5 song over and over again. He wanted to practice with him forever but he also wanted to force him to go to bed snuggled in the best blanket a trainee could afford. He really wanted to get it off his chest that he liked the other boy so before the big performance he was going to just tell him that he liked him plain and simple, he couldn’t put his heart into his work if it was still stuck on the other boy. He remembers walking up to Woojin a couple hours before the performance ready to spill but fate had other plans. Another male trainee had walked up to Woojin and began to speak in a quiet voice to him, Chan couldn’t hear what they were saying but the other trainee starting to cry as Woojin walked away from him. Chan caught up to Woojin who looked a little flustered and then told him what had happened. The boy had confessed that he had a crush on the boy but Woojin let him down as gently as he could. He had talked about how weird it was for another boy to like him like that and Chan felt like his whole world was crumbling around him. Woojin finished off telling him about it and Chan couldn’t bring himself to say anything for a while and Woojin was looking at him weirdly. He said a sentence he didn't say often after he moved to Korea “I’m gay” and Woojin gaped at him for a moment. Woojin had laughed after a couple of awkward seconds and then said that as long as Chan didn’t have a crush on him it would be fine and that he would keep it a secret. He remembers awkwardly laughing along trying not to cry in front of him but he is graciously saved by a staff member telling them to go to their separate groups to prepare for the performance. He was happy he could get it off his chest that he was gay but the pain that came from knowing that Woojin wouldn’t like him really made him upset.

Chan had entered 3racha’s practice room and burst into tears when he saw his members. They held him as he cried and decided on a last minute set change for the performance, Runners high, P.A.C.E and Matryoshka made way for Broken Compass, 42 and Eunseoki. They put on one of their best performances and at the very end, Chan remembers crying out tears of frustration. He leaves as soon as the performance is over ignoring Woojins wave to get his attention the members follow him out and Changbin pays for his ice cream as he explains everything that happened. Changbin and Jisung had known all about his sexuality because he believed that if they were going to work together they had might as well be completely open to make the best music possible. The both of them had been extremely kind and didn’t treat him differently and if it weren't for the two of them he probably wouldn't have made it through. They told him that Woojin wasn’t worth his time and even though he wanted to believe them the thought of a crooked smile reminded him that he wasn’t good enough for Woojin anyways. He finished way too much ice cream that he knew he would regret at the next weigh in but it made him feel just the tiniest bit better.

His two friends helped him get back to the dorm but had to leave to their respective rooms. He hid under the covers of his bed with a flashlight writing new lyrics that were sadder than they usually were, the door creaked quietly as somebody walked in who he assumed was Woojin. He used to be so happy that they were roommates but now he hated it more than anything. He expected Woojin to just ignore him and shower, to just go on with life as usual but he felt his mattress creak as Woojin sat on the edge of his bed. The words he said next made him feel a little better about coming out but they made his heart hurt so much more because Woojin was just too kind to be a human being. He had said quietly and softly as if speaking to a spooked animal. “ Hey Chan, I know that you’re under there but you don’t have to come out to talk to me. I’m sorry if I upset you earlier I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, I just wanted to clarify that there is nothing wrong with being gay and that I will support you no matter what, I made a joke because I was shocked but I’m really sorry. I hope that you can forgive me, and I hope you tell me if anybody is mean to you because of this, I might not go to the gym as much as I should but I would beat them up for you.” He had listened with bated breath before bursting into tears and breaking free from the blankets, Woojin seemed a little surprised but he wrapped him in a hug until they both fell asleep. Waking up the next morning seeing Woojins hair fanned out on his pillow and his eyelashes delicately twitching from whatever he was dreaming definitely didn’t help Chant out with his massive fucking crush. He slid out of bed, took a cold shower and resolved to go back to normal with Woojin and forget he ever even had a crush on the other boy even if he looked really really good curled up in his bed.

 

The third time he was planning on confessing was months after the performance, the two of them were put into a tentative group with 7 other people including his 3racha bandmates and a new Australian kid that had only been there for a few weeks. He had been with the company for so long that he actually got to help with choosing members and a horrible part of himself almost didn’t want to choose Woojin so that he could forget about him. He had almost immediately hated himself for it when Chan remembered just how hard Woojin had worked to get where he is. He had made sure to make it clear that he needed 3racha and Woojin on the team but he quickly came to care deeply for all the other boys in the group.

He was made the leader and somehow his packed schedule became even more packed, he barely even slept anymore and he became very familiar with the surface of his desk because he kept falling asleep there. It was on one of his busier nights with an evaluation in front of the dance teachers the next morning and a meeting with JYP about an upcoming survival show right after it that he almost confesses. He had just finished practicing with the groups and running through a performance with 3racha and it was already midnight, he had sent the others off to bed to be well rested for the performance then he went back to his office to prepare for the meeting the next day. It was a very important one and he didn’t want to be the reason that the group couldn’t debut so he spent hours looking over the outline that had been sent over the day before. It wasn’t ideal because members could be eliminated and they were also competing against fellow female trainees who we were friends with but he knew that they would have to risk it. He looked up at one point and saw that it was already 3:30 am and there were only 4 hours until the dance performance but he hasn't made it all the way through the documents yet. 

It was around 4 that a knock came from the door to the studio and Chan suddenly felt a little bit more refreshed when it opened and Woojin walked in. He was carrying a monster and a blanket and shoved the monster into Chan's hand before walking to the armchair behind him and sitting down. Chan chugged that Monster as quickly as possible and got back to work, Woojin refused to leave until Chan managed to finish the document and he really appreciated the company, every once in a while Woojin would stand up and walk over resting his chin on Chan's shoulder to read the document asking quiet questions and trying to keep him awake. His heart beat out of his chest every time warm air came into contact with his neck and it was just a tiny bit distracting but he thought it was definitely worth it. It wasn’t until nearly 6 that he finished reading over everything and writing out notes but when he turned around he noticed that at some point Woojin had fallen asleep, he was looking so pretty and soft with his head lolled to the side and his mouth opens a little bit. It was cute and Chan who thought he had been doing really good about the whole crush thing for a while suddenly felt his chest tighten once again. He realized how truly and absolutely fucked he was as he watched him sleep he almost wakes him up to tell him how pretty he is. He could confess right then and there and feel a lot lighter but then his alarm went off on his phone to wake up how ironic. Chan sees Woojin start to stir and he decides that now is a lot the right time to tell him it was too late/early to really say anything and they have a lot of important stuff to do today so the confession will just have to wait. He doesn’t want to ruin their chances for debut for something as useless as his happiness so he smiles softly at Woojin helping him stand up as they head back to the dorms to get ready for the day.

 

The fourth time that he almost confesses he gets really close. It’s right after the survival show with all the members safely in the group even if there were a couple of scares along the way. The nine of them are whisked into a new life of recording and preparing for an actual debut with Woojin and him spearheading things, Woojin insists that he should help Chan out and Chan considers him if not his equal at least his second, the Biden to his Obama, the companion to the doctor and the Dustin to his Steve. Woojin was often left to deal with the member when he and 3racha were writing and producing the songs for the album but they always talked over their days at night. Chan was blown away at the reception of their pre-debut ep hellevator and they were performing it all over the place. It was the most exciting and stressful times of his life and he was really happy but something weighed on his heart. He fell asleep every night (If he made it to bed) staring at the face of someone who he knew that he loved but could never have. 

It was after a particularly amazing day with the two of them sat on the roof of the new jyp building staring up at the stars and leaning against each other that Chan decided to just throw caution to the wind and tell Woojin. He just needed closure so that he could well and truly get over his crush on the other boy. The stars reflected in Woojin’s eyes more clearly than usual and maybe it's because the fine dust was low that day or because Chan thinks that the sun can’t shine as brightly as the eyes of the boy he loved but it nearly made him tear up. Chan doesn’t know what made him stop before he even started but Woojin suddenly let out a huff of air that seemed so sad and longing that Chan couldn’t bother him with anything if he tried. Woojin turns to him at some point before confessing something that confuses and hurts Chan more than he thinks it would. Woojin tells him about how Chan is the only person he really trusts and to keep it a secret but he says he has a crush. A crush but on a boy, a man someone of the same gender. Chan is ecstatic for all of 2 seconds before he remembers that he isn’t good enough for Woojin and he must have a crush on somebody else. Chan must just be the only gay person around that he can ask about something like this so he swallows down his feelings and tries to deal with it like he would with any other friend. They talk it out for a while and by the end even though Chan insists that labels aren’t that important Woojin decides that bi is the term that best fits him. 

Chan is surprised at the end when Woojin wraps him in a big hug, his lips pressed against his neck as he whispers a thank you before the other boy starts to get up to head to bed. He holds out his hand for Chan to take but he decides to stay outside to think for a little while longer. He thinks about how Woojin and he had always been close, how they relied on each other and even though he knew it was a bad idea it still got his hopes up a little bit. He thought of what it would be like, surrounded by all the people he loved and being with the man he loved. He dreamed of happiness and not being afraid and his heart seemed to grow just a little bit more in love if it was even possible. Knowing that he was trusted and maybe even loved put a new bounce in his step as he rushed home to tell Woojin what he really thought of him. When he got back though Woojin was already asleep in bed and Chan thought that he could wait just another day, and maybe another one until weeks had passed and he couldn't find the right time. 

 

This brings Chan back to the present sitting once again on the roof, waiting for Woojin to arrive for their weekly meeting but something is a little different this time. The other members had gone to a radio show and Chan was waiting for all of them to get back, Changbin was going to tell him when Woojin headed up and he was sitting ready for his arrival. He grabbed his guitar from beside him when he gets Changbin's text and waits for Woojin to open the door to the rooftop before he starts to sing. He had taken a long time trying to choose a song to sing but he decided on all of me by john legend, it might be cheesy and overused but it would definitely get the point across. Woojin listened as Chan sang and tears started to stream down his face near the end of the song. Woojin walked closer placing his hands on either side of Chan’s face, drying the tears with his thumb waiting patiently for Chan to say the words he needs to get off his chest. “I love you, I mean I like you, I mean I think you’re really pretty” he spits it out nervously, stuttering the whole time but Woojin must get the message because he grips Chan’s face a little tighter before bringing his mouth down to meet in a sweet kiss. He pulls away softly smiling at Chan before whispering “I love you too and I think you're the most handsome person I've ever seen” Chan is jealous of how he didn't stutter at all but he forgives the other easily when he leans in once again for another kiss. They spend the night under the stars drinking wine and singing songs, getting to know each other in a new way. They have a lot to learn but hopefully with the blessing of the stars they can overcome all their fears together.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, sorry if all the timelines aren't perfect I tried to kinda fit things into the stray kids timeline but I don't know if I completely succeeded let me know if i messed anything up.  
> Also English is not my first language so sorry for any stupid mistakes there may be in this.  
> Have a great day and make sure you all stream the new SKZ song issa bop. Miroh outsold.  
> https://youtu.be/Dab4EENTW5I


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